02/05/2010 Lies and heart break sometimes hand in hand.....

Dear Journal,

I am going to use this space here today to release something i have held in close to my heart for a while. One thing i have known for a long time is that heartbreak and heart ache hurt, sometimes they hurt so bad that we allow ourselves to come up with alternate versions of how stories go down. How special events in our lives as painful and heartbreaking as they may be we let them change so we can some how feel better, when all we really need to do is embrace the real reason things happen and understand that with every end there is a new beginning. So this is my confession to something I haven't been upfront and honest about. I met a wonderful person a little over four and a half years ago. This person totally made my life so pleasant at times and sure we had our moments to where we would hurt one another but in the end we still knew we cared for each other. She and i had a wonderful relationship which i would not change for anything. Aspects of how i acted at times i would most certainly change and will remember so as to not repeat them in future relationships. She had been honest with me from the get go when i first told her that i loved her, she told me she loved me too but was unsure of the caliber in which her feelings were. Thats where the lie started, i wanted so bad to be in love with someone and them return the feelings that i convinced myself and others that she felt the same for me and was denying it. She even fell victim to believing that as well as family and friends. So we were together for a little over four years, on and off breaking up and getting back together. Sure she had her issues and things she did that she shouldn't have as i had mine. The one overwhelming factor that i failed to realize was that this girl has the biggest heart ever, and sometimes she lets it get out of hand. she and i were never meant to be together, but we ended up being together because i wanted to be with her. Everything about her was shocking to me i was not used to the attention and kindness i was experiencing from a girl of such beauty. Girls that pretty usually would not look at me twice much less agree to spend time with me. She did both of those differently in that she made time for me, she gave me the attention and then she also took it a step further and started to love and care for me. All that combined i am sure you can see how easy it was/is to convince ones self of it being something different. However that is no excuse to believe that lie. The lie continued when she realized that i was not for her, when she really started to understand how she felt for me. With that being found out she and i broke up, she still wanted to be close to me because the love she had for me was the same that one would have for a friend/brother/sister. This moment in my life was like a knife that would not stop pounding in to my heart over, and over again. So i created this lie, this lie that i believed that she was to blame for all the heartache i was feeling and if she had not lied to me or if she had not led me on then things would have been different. This was easier to point blame at her, then to realize the truth. The truth that not everyone is meant to be with everyone. I truly believe that i met someone amazing and very much so am glad i did. She showed me the world is beautiful and not everyone will hurt you. I also want to point out that she is not some heartless person who does not care if she hurts people. A lot of the reasons some of my friends and family are feeling like i was done wrong is because of an exaggerated fabrication of the truth to protect myself, or what i thought would protect me. I know now the only true way to healing is through realizing the truth and embracing what there is to come. I told this girl many times through out knowing her that she needed to live her life for her, and that only then would she be able to have the best chance at being truly happy. This girl trusted me enough to take my advice only to have me make her look like a fool, make her look heartless, make her look like she was out for herself. All these things are lies. I realize that this is a lot to take in and there are people in my life now just starting to attempt to get to know me and they may turn around and leave because of this. Thats ok, because the people that are close to me that i have hurt, or that i have caused to believe things about someone else need to be told the truth they need to know what really happened. Life happened, love happened, and self realization happened. none of these situations need to be punished they instead need to be admired. Through me she found someone who is closer to what she wants, and may be exactly what she wants shes not sure yet, which is great she is living her life and making her own decisions. I have met someone else who potentially could have a significant impact on my life, i am not sure to what caliber that will be but i know that i am ready to find out. I have absolutely a clear and refreshed head. I have a brand new outlook on life, i am unafraid. So to the that girl who is my best friend, i say this one last time I am Very Very Sorry.

Signed The Dammy (sam) *her nickname for me*

02/04/2010 so a little different post/and daily stuff

So lets handle the normal daily stuff first. I have been sitting here waiting for my call center job to come about when i realized today that why wait on one job when there could be something much better out there. I have placed five more applications today, and so now i will have some good choices, i also watched what about bob, which is by far one of the funniest movies i have seen. So that is pretty much my day today i know not that eventful really but i am looking forward to a very fulfilling weekend. Which brings me to the second part of this post.

I think i will start out with a question. The question i want to pose is this, How does one know when someone is right or wrong for them? Is it the way they feel around that person, or possibly the way they make that person feel around them? Is it the way you feel away from that person, or even the way you feel just while thinking of this person? No matter which of these feelings tells you or sometimes you may even experience all of them, no matter what it is a feeling that no one can make you decide not to feel or to stop feeling, even if they think that it is not wise or wrong for you to feel that way. Why would someone not want you to feel a strong attraction to someone you ask. Maybe it is because they like you too, and they want you to like them. Maybe it is because they feel that person is wrong for you, or you wrong for them. Maybe they like the same person and feel threatened by you. No matter the reasoning no one can decide who you like and who you feel you want to be with but you. This is why it is so important to remember that the only person who can truly decide what will make you happy is you. I don't think i can stress this enough, it is your life and so you need to make yourself happy. So many people out in this world do what they believe will make others happy, or what they believe will be socially acceptable even if it directly conflicts with their own happiness. I do believe that we should listen to other people and their opinions and use those opinions to decide what we believe will make us the happiest. However i do not think we should do what will make other people happy if it conflicts with what we want. So with that being said i want to share another story with you to illustrate this, I know this girl shes a wonderful person one of my closest friends, and she likes this boy. This boy is someone a lot of her friends including myself do not like nor do we think is a good match for her. We all think this boy is rude and not someone who deserves to be in the same room with her much less with her romantically. However she really likes this boy, and maybe she sees something that none of us do. Now you better believe all of us are giving her our own feelings on the matter. At the end of the day this person seems to do what she wants and what she believes will make her happy even if it is the opposite of what we tell her. You may look at this and think why would she do such a silly thing? However i look at her with a lot of respect for this because even though it is very true that she could possibly get really hurt and lord knows none of us support nor hope for that, but even though that is a possibility she is living her life for her. When someone lives their own life and is able to make their own decisions there is multiple things that come of this, both good and bad. She may get hurt, yes or she may very well not miss out on something that everyone else overlooked that actually makes her happy. So i hope and pray that all of you who read this take in to account one major point. At the end of everything do you want to be able to die knowing that you lived a full life and did everything you wanted to do, do you want to die thinking man i basically was an extension to someone elses life? I hope that everyone says they want to live their own life. So that is the life lesson of the day live your life to the fullest but make your own decisions. I am not saying you cannot take other peoples advice, but only take their advice when you believe it to be the best. Thanks for reading and until next time

Sam I Am OUTTIE 5,000 !!!!!